You Don’t Want What Doesn’t Want You

How to Simplify the Unsettling Process of Dating

It’s been roughly four years since I broke up with my last boyfriend, meaning I’ve spent 4 years trying to navigate the hellish nightmare that is dating. But why is it such a nightmare? Shouldn’t meeting new people on the path to finding your soulmate be fun? Shouldn’t it be exciting? Technically the answer is yes, dating should be both fun and exciting - and it probably would be if it weren’t for our toxic traits, unhealthy patterns, and unhelpful mindsets mucking things up. For example, my toxic trait used to be seeing disinterest as a challenge to win someone over. And this tendency made dating a mostly miserable experience, heavily peppered with rejection, sadness, and feelings of worthlessness.

As I’ve worked on healing myself I’ve become more aware of what it means to have a healthy dating mindset. I’ve realized that a simple shift in the way you view both the overall process of dating and rejection in particular can greatly simplify both, and I’m writing this post to share what those shifts are.

While I’ve had a lot of realizations about my approach to dating recently, no two have been more powerful than the ones I outline below. Whether you find yourself attracted to apathy and indifference like me, or you struggle with the process for other reasons, use them to fuel your own pursuit to finding love in a way that’s easygoing, fun, and drama-free.

Realization: At its core, dating is the simple process of sorting

Here’s the first concept that kicked off my positive change in perspective: Dating it is a process of sorting. This mental shift was introduced to me by Mark Groves (a human connection specialist I’ve been obsessed with for as long as he’s been around) and adopting this mindset has helped me immensely to keep things simple. I realize it might sound cold to think of something supposedly rooted in love and connection as nothing more than sorting, but in the most basic sense, it’s true. You meet someone, you see if you vibe, and then you decide to either explore that connection further or call it quits and move on to someone else. People are either a yes for you, or they are a no. You are sorting.

But it’s doesn’t always feel that straightforward, does it? We aren’t always so quick to sort those who aren’t a match for us into the ‘NOPE’ pile and move on. In fact, many of us (like myself) do just the opposite: Rather than closing the door on dead-end connections we force them to remain open, setting ourselves up for repeat rejection and heartache thereafter.

The reasons for doing this could be almost anything, but it’s a behavior that’s usually driven by something deeper. Whether that something is fluctuating self-esteem that depends on being desired by someone specific, an unconscious need to validate an unconscious belief of being lovable, a desperation to feel loved and needed, or the like, depends on your upbringing and personal experiences.

In conjunction with the determination to get someone to want you, there’s usually also a willingness to become whatever, or whoever, you need to be in order to make it happen.

Changing yourself in order to fit the mold of what you think someone else might want, however, is a losing game no matter which way you slice it. You lose your authenticity, your integrity, your sense of self - and all without getting the result you want. Because changing who you are for someone else never, ever works.

When someone doesn’t reciprocate our feelings it is the universe telling us to let them go, and not doing so creates a bottleneck in that we’re unable to meet more aligned humans because we can’t move on from this one. This type of ‘bottleneck’ situation is ultimately where most of our dating misery is born: We get stuck on, and vehemently chase after, people who have shown us they aren’t capable of loving us the way we need, creating an incredibly toxic situation hallmarked by an inescapable sense of rejection, shame, not being good enough, and low self-respect.

By remembering that every mismatch is additional more fuel for you to go explore someone new, however, it becomes easier to quickly and effectively let them go.

Realization: We don’t actually want what (or who) doesn’t want us back

Think for a second about how it would feel to let someone walk out of your life who you’re in love with but who also doesn’t want to be there anyway. What would it be like to let someone naturally fade out of your experience rather than trying to force them to stay where they don’t want to be? If you’re a fellow member of the people pleasing gang, it probably feels hard. Because people pleasers want to be all things to all people, and even a speck of disinterest rattles us to our core.

But think about this objectively for a minute.

Do you really want a person who doesn’t want you back? Do you actually want to force someone to like you? To be with you? To love you? To prioritize, respect, and cherish you? Do you really want to feel like you need to look different, think different, or be different in order to be accepted, nurtured, and cared for by someone else?

Going out on a limb here, but I’m thinking probably not.

And even if you do successfully convince someone to be with you, does that really feel good? Did you really accomplish anything other than persuading someone of your value by pretending to be someone else?

Forcing the dating process into the direction we think we want it to go is a recipe for disaster, because no matter what we change about ourselves and no matter how hard we try, the wrong people will always be the wrong people.

Let the dating process unfold freely, without exerting your influence or attaching to a particular outcome, and allow those who can’t or won’t provide what you need to naturally exit your life. Know that you are perfect exactly as you are, and that if someone isn’t able to see all the wonderful qualities you bring to the table it just means they’re not a match, period. It doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough. It doesn’t mean you need to change yourself. It doesn’t mean you’re unlovable. A lack of interest is simply an indication of incompatibly - and it’s as transparent and objective as that.

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To find what’s meant for us we must first stop trying to force what’s not. We must detach ourselves from all expectations and attachments to specific outcomes, show up authentically, and allow relationships unfold organically. If we can do that, dating will cease to be the toxic state of clinging, clouded judgement, ghosting, and disappointment we’ve all come to know, and instead turn into the exciting, nourishing, and simple process of authentic connection and expression it was always meant to be.

Now, repeat after me: ‘I do not want what doesn’t want me back’ - say this as many times as necessary until you’re ready to cut ties with the wrong people and free yourself up for the right.

WHERE THE SCISSORS AT?

All my love.