The Paradox of Permeable Boundaries

For most of my life I’ve been a loyal pleaser of the people, prioritizing everyone else’s wants, needs, and desires over my own. That isn’t to say I haven’t always had goals to achieve, projects to work on, relationships to maintain, or everything else that typically occupies a person’s time and attention - because I have. But I’d drop it all in an instant at anyone’s request because the fear of having to tell them ‘no’ far outweighed the desire to honor my own needs, whatever they might be. This left everyone in my orbit believing my time and energy mattered significantly less than theirs and left me perpetually drained.

Boundaries are essentially the personal rules you establish for yourself in relation to others that are born out of what you determine you require to feel safe, secure, and comfortable across all situations.

Examples of a few common boundaries could include:

• Not having sex on the first date

• Not having sex without protection

• Not discussing religion or politics with extended family members

• Not drinking alcohol when you want to stay sober.

• Not discussing intimate personal matters with particular people.

• Not going out on Saturday nights in order to be productive on Sundays.

The word ‘permeable’ is essentially a descriptor for something that allows liquids or gasses to pass through it, so a ‘permeable boundary’ is virtually just a boundary that people can easily pass through. Where a solid boundary is a sliding glass door, a permeable boundary is a sliding screen door: it’s there and it’s definitely real, but it isn’t a barrier in the same way that something more solid might be. Up above where I mentioned dropping anything for anyone regardless of the impact on my own needs/projects/desires? That’s a great example of permeable boundaries in action. I know what I want and I try to go after it, but like wind through a screen the people I interact with are able to easily push and pass through my rules to get me to do what they need, because, over time, I’ve taught them they can.

Solid boundaries are meant to protect their owners, making the most significant impact of weak boundaries a palpable susceptibility to situations that could and usually do cause them to feel unsafe, insecure, uncomfortable, or otherwise not okay. From there weak boundaries typically also bring about a whole slew of other negative ramifications, ranging from being taken advantage of and disrespected by others, to feeling a constant state of burnout and resentment.

So wtf gives? Why do so many of us have permeable boundaries if they’re bad news? Why are solid boundaries so difficult for some people to uphold? What impact can they have on ourselves and our relationships? Why do we allow others to push beyond the bounds of what we’re okay with and what do we communicate when don’t stop it from happening?

1. Strong boundaries communicate high levels of self-worth and self-respect

To start – let’s first get on the same page about one overriding truth: Strong boundaries communicate high self-worth. Period. Boundaries must be established first before they can be categorized - it’s the act of upholding them once they’ve been introduced that separates the solid from the weak. By standing firm in what you know you need and refusing to break important boundaries just to appease others, you communicate the high level of respect you have for yourself, and the value you place on your time and energy. When you defend a boundary you tell whoever tried to push through it that this need matters, that you value yourself enough to honor it, and that they better get on board by honoring it, too.

2. Permeable boundaries communicate - and perpetuate - the opposite

Where solid boundaries communicate high self-worth and respect, permeable boundaries communicate the opposite. They show others how little you value your time, your energy, your needs, and respect yourself overall, as well as teach them to interact with you in way that aligns with that appraisal. Because you don’t value your time, other people don’t value your time either. Because you don’t prioritize your needs, other people don’t prioritize your needs either. Because you don’t believe your energy matters, other people don’t believe your energy matters either. It becomes a vicious cycle of placing such little value on yourself that you refuse to make your boundaries solid, which leads to others viewing you as less valuable and able to be disrespected without consequence. This undervaluing by others only serves to further damage your self-concept and make weak boundaries an even more attractive option, which then perpetuates the same low-value narrative to everyone around you and kicks off the cycle all over again.

3. Permeable boundaries usually stem from low self-worth

Now that we’ve established how entirely unhelpful permeable boundaries are, let’s look at why any of us have them in the first place. At their root, permeable boundaries are most often a product of low self-worth, low self-respect, and low self-esteem. Speaking as someone who has suffered from the above all her life, the logic here goes something like this: Because people with low self-worth don’t truly value themselves or believe they matter, they don’t feel like they have the right to stand firm in what they need because having needs at all feels boorish, burdensome, and uncomfortable. While those with high self-worth have an inner sense of self-love they can draw upon to validate the worthiness of their needs and existence, those with low self-worth lack this and are thus forced to seek their validation externally. They can go about this a number of ways, but they all typically involve being fully available for whatever or whoever requests their help in order to receive the acceptance, affirmation, praise, and recognition they crave in return.

4. …And they typically have the opposite of the intended effect.

The logic above might be fundamentally flawed, but if you’re a member of the low self-esteem gang it makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it? You don’t feel worthy or valuable, so you attempt to manufacture those feelings by having someone else provide them. And how do you do that? By people pleasing. By being there for anyone and everyone, in whatever capacity they need. If a friend asks for your help and you say no, they won’t be happy with you, right? You believe they’ll see you as the cause of their needs going unmet, and that they won’t value you or see the benefit you bring to the table because of it. And since you rely on the approval, acceptance, recognition, and praise of others in order to get by emotionally, you can’t have that. You can’t have people thinking you aren’t helpful. No way. You need them to know what an asset you are - how helpful you are. How selfless and giving you are. So you continue to ask ‘how high?’ when people say jump and break your boundaries in an effort to get that next fix and receive the validation you need to feel worthy again.

The funny thing about this logic, however, is that it’s ass backwards - which is why it’s a paradox. :)

Rather than priming people like you more, bending and breaking yourself for them usually makes you come across as a weak, overeager, and irritating people pleaser who will do anything for anyone because they don’t value themselves. People start to see you as someone who will always be in their corner if and when they need you - who’s ‘cool with whatever’ and ready serve regardless of how you’re treated. There is a principle in microeconomics that basically says the more you increase the supply of something, the less valuable it will appear to consumers and the less demand there will then be for it. This principle can also be applied here: because you’re so available to others, you aren’t viewed as being as valuable as you would be otherwise. Instead of positioning yourself in a way that makes you more treasured and important to others, which is the whole idea behind weak boundaries, they ultimately make you the opposite. Permeable boundaries serve as the catalyst to not only losing the respect of others, but to being exploited and taken advantage of by them for your kindness and giving nature.

5. Permeable boundaries cause immense inner friction.  

Marked sense of resentment

One big impact of permeable boundaries is a palpable feeling of diffuse resentment. Whether it’s resentment toward others for disrespecting your time and energy, resentment toward yourself for letting them do so, or general resentment for not having the energy you need to put toward the projects or people you care about, weak boundaries cultivate bitterness in a big way. Overtime, a prolonged sense of being undervalued and disrespected by others will chip away at your happiness. Having your time, energy, and willingness to help repeatedly taken advantage of at the expense of your own goals will quickly leave you feeling pissed off, unproductive, and overall far less satisfied with yourself and your life than you would feel otherwise.

Burnout

Piggybacking on the point above, another side effect of spending the whole of your energy gas tank catering to the needs and desires of others is perpetual burnout. Human beings only have so much physical and mental energy to give on any given day, and putting all of it toward accomplishing someone else’s goals will tucker you out real quick. Not only because you’re putting work in toward something you quite frankly don’t give a shit about, but also because spending all your natural energy on other people’s needs means you’ll have to manufacture even more to tend to your own thereafter. Whether you accomplish this via energy drinks, Adderall, a lack of sleep, or eliminating time-consuming yet highly energizing activities (like time with friends or exercise) you’ll either find a way to tackle both your own needs and that of others that will leave you feeling perpetually drained and exhausted, or you won’t - and will focus solely on that of others instead.

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Permeable boundaries yield unfavorable results across the board. They communicate to others what little value you place on your time, energy, and overall needs. They reinforce the same beliefs within yourself. They allow people to take advantage of you and use your energy as a means to serve their own ends. They make you feel unsafe, uncomfortable, burnt out, and resentful. And the list goes on.

While establishing and upholding boundaries can be completely terrifying, finding the courage to do so sets an upward spiral of self-respect, personal empowerment, greater happiness, less resentment, and healthier, more satisfying relationships into motion. The more you uphold your boundaries, the more you’ll start to respect yourself without even trying - it’ll just happen naturally. And the more respect you have for yourself, the more empowered you’ll feel to establish and uphold other boundaries in other areas of your life. By valuing and respecting your own time and energy, others will begin to automatically mirror your behavior and value/respect your time and energy too, balancing out and improving your relationships. This protection of your energy will also provide immediate energy, prevent future burn out, and dissolve whatever lingering resentments you might hold, improving your happiness and satisfaction with life overall.

To reiterate: I know how nauseatingly terrifying the task of enforcing boundaries in the face of resistance can be - because upholding them will always mean having to deal with confrontation on some level. But if you can slowly begin to do this, you’ll gradually become less and less afraid of it with every next time you honor yourself. Exposure therapy is a very real thing, and the more often you summon the courage to stand by your needs, the easier and less scary it will be to do so going forward. Your relationships will improve. Your self-worth, respect, and sense of personal empowerment will soar. Your energy will be dedicated to those things you want to do for yourself first before it’s dedicated to others, and you’ll finally feel enlivened by life rather than perpetually burdened and taxed. 

You are Fort Knox in embodied form, bb. Ain’t nobody breaking through those boundaries.

All my love.