The Space Between: What to Remember While in the Limbo of Goal Attainment

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about the space between. The space between breaking up and finding love again, between building your business and launching it successfully, between working toward a promotion and receiving it, between moving to a new city and the day it feels like home…so many life experiences have a distinct start and end point. We all embark on these journeys of going after what we want and we celebrate every victory of getting there once we finally do, but what no one ever pays homage to is the space between.

The space between where you are and where you’re going can be a hard space to occupy because you’re not where you started, but you’re also not where you want to be either. It requires a certain amount of grit, discipline, and self-reliance to get through, and is largely responsible for why so many people quit things before they reach their desired outcome.

I’m currently in the space between choosing to create my own business after being laid off and successfully bringing it to fruition – and let me tell you. It’s not comfortable at all. In hindsight I think went into this venture with some awareness of the internal and external difficulties I’d face but was not prepared for the severity of them nor for the length of time I’d have to deal with their presence.

Eventually, whether voluntarily or forcibly thanks to outside circumstances, everyone will have to endure a situation requiring a stay in the in-between of point A and point B. Whether point A is a breakup, the death of someone close, a new career goal, a new fitness goal, or anything else – knowing what to expect on the path to point B will make the seas a lot less choppy. So, whether you’re in that space now or will be soon, here’s what you need to understand about the space between where you are and where you’re going.

It’s often very lonely

The space between breaking up and finding love again takes the gold in the loneliness department for obvious reasons, but feelings of isolation and aloneness are in no way limited to just relationships. The space between deciding to set a goal and finally crushing it, for example, is usually also lonely because you’re grinding your a** off to do this thing with (typically) minimal time to socialize and very few cheerleaders on the sidelines. Your closest inner circle will likely be apart of the ‘very few cheerleaders on the sidelines’, and they can and should be relied on for support. Apart from those relationships, however, the truth is that most people won’t outwardly show their support

until you’ve already succeeded. No matter the situation, understand that most times (though not always) there won’t be a ton of people rallying around you, encouraging to preserve. That encouragement will need to come from within (as it should) and likely won’t start filtering in from your broader social circle until you draw closer to accomplishing your goal.

It’s uncertain – and even a little scary

The space between typically comes fully equipped with weekly if not daily bouts of self-doubt, ranging from manageable to crippling in their severity depending on your level of confidence. Mental tornadoes filled with questions of whether you will ever get to where you’re going, if you’re as capable as you thought when you started, if your goal is even worth it, or if you should just quit altogether - can spring up from the ether and consume you. This is where your aforementioned inner circle will really become critical to you staying the course. Having access to support from friends and family – even if it’s just one friend or one family member – is so important to successfully resisting the spiral of negativity and overwhelm that comes with the uncertainty of the in between. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve needed my mom, my dad, or a member of my inner circle to talk me down from quitting The Soul Distillery altogether, I would probably have at LEAST $25.50 (that’s 510 freak outs for those non-math people out there). Had I not had my people to pull me out of the quicksand that is self-doubt, I really don’t know what I’d be doing right now. If I’d been more aware of how truly shaky this type of shaky ground would make me feel, I probably would’ve done more meditating and journaling to prepare myself for uneasiness of uncertainty.

Force yourself to accept the fact that if you want to do, have, or be anything in this life, it’s because you were meant to do, have, or be it. With the exception of hard drugs, murder sprees, and assault, anything that excites you does so because it’s a part of your calling and you are fully equipped with everything you need and more to get there. Understand that uncertainty will always come knocking, and train yourself to dig deeper into the reasons why you’re doing what you’re doing when it does.

It’s (seemingly) slow moving

…And this is especially true of larger goals. Have you ever heard the quote about how day-to-day nothing changes, but when you look back everything’s different? What we’re talking about here is just like that. When you’re grinding day in and day out to get to where you’re going, the small victories between here and there won’t seem like much. Your progress week to week will likely feel incredibly slow moving if not totally stagnant, and not seeing the fruits of your labor in concrete terms can make it tough to stick it out for the long haul. Know that if you keep working toward what you want, you will inevitably reach your destination – but the process of getting anything really, really, good is (usually) not really, really quick. Understand that progress is made day by day, and though it might not feel like it, you’re getting closer to what you want with every second you choose to keep going and you will persevere.

It isn’t glamorous or pretty

Success is pretty AF, but the road to getting there usually isn’t. If you look at anyone who’s done anything impactful in the world (Steve jobs and the iMac, Thomas Edison and the lightbulb – the list goes on) the number of times they had to fail and pick themselves back up before actually reaching success is f*cking insane. I think it was Thomas Edison who failed around 1,000 times before he finally nailed the lightbulb, and so many others like him have a similar story. The path to success usually won’t be perfectly paved, amazingly scenic, or without unplanned pitstops. It typically won’t be very straight, either, and will likely involve at least one failure (or 1,000 in our guy Tom’s case). Make sure you know this going into it. Prepare yourself before you start for any detours, reroutes, missed turns, flat tires, or less than scenic views you might encounter along the way, and promise yourself to always begin again.

It requires large amounts of self-discipline, self-love, self-reliance, and grit

Getting through the space between means relying on yourself for the love, support, validation, and motivation you crave from others to keep going. Have you ever heard the term “self-starter” thrown around in relation to resume buzzwords? This is that. Pushing through and getting sh*t done without someone cracking the whip behind you is exactly what I’m talking about. Granted, you can and probably will have people along the way who encourage you to keep going (i.e., your inner circle), but they won’t always be there, and you won’t always have someone to turn to for motivation when you feel like giving up. Mentally prepare yourself for these moments and learn to talk yourself down; learn to give yourself the love, validation, and encouragement you want from others in order to carry on, and then carry on. Understand that you have a wellspring of self-reliance, self-love, self-discipline, and grit within yourself, and teach yourself tap into it whenever necessary.

It won’t last forever

Whenever you feel like quitting (and trust me – you will) remind yourself that the space between is exactly that – BETWEEN. You won’t be in limbo forever. The pain, apathy, loneliness, and/or anxiety you’re feeling now, amid pursuing what you want, is not only temporary, but in favor of accomplishing something that will significantly enhance your life. SHORT TERM PAIN FOR LONG-TERM GAIN, BABY! Whether it’s launching the website, building the business, finding the partner, or any other goal requiring a little time, patience, and focused attention – just know that every day you work toward it is another day closer to its realization.

The space betweeeeeeeen *Dave Matthews Band voice* is tough – but thankfully, you are tougher. Tough as nails. Strong like bull. Gorilla Glue in human form. You can l i t e r a l l y do whatever you set your mind to, and as long as you don’t give up, you will. Prepare yourself for the ups and downs of working toward a goal so you aren’t shell-shocked into quitting when the downs come roaring in. Set yourself up for success by asking close friends to periodically check in on you throughout your journey, or alternatively, tell them you’ll be hitting them up for motivation whenever the mood strikes and to be ready with pre-canned supportive texts (I’m kidding, but this isn’t actually a horrible idea). Put anything that will help you keep going into place before setting sail to make your trip as smooth as possible (or as soon as possible if you’ve already cast off the bowlines). Will there still be difficulties? Youuuuuu BETCHA! But understanding what to expect both mentally and emotionally and then preparing yourself accordingly will make the process a lot easier than it would be otherwise. You’ll be able to ‘grin and bear it’ with the best of them even when you don’t want to, and the reward of finally getting there will be that much sweeter because you’ll know exactly what it took to push through.

Now go kick some ass you resilient little human. You bottle of Gorilla Glue. You titanium sheath of a person. I’ve got my megaphone ready on the sidelines.

All my love.