But what will they think? 7 Things to Consider Before Letting Fear of Judgement Kill your Dreams.

In life, there are those who live entirely free from worry of what other people think, and those who live paralyzed by a crippling fear of the same. For reasons I’m still trying to unpack with my therapist (shoutout Suzanne) I was one of the latter for most of my life, believing everyone else’s opinion of me mattered significantly more than my own and allowing that conviction to guide my every decision.

If you’re anything like me, you probably have deeply rooted fears and anxieties surrounding the way others perceive you. The need to always be viewed in a positive light dictates your every thought, action, and decision, and your sense of self-worth is largely dependent on the validation you receive (or don’t receive) from those around you. The idea of conquering this type of fear can seem daunting at first because where the hell do you even start, right? I mean, how do you just go from fucking terrified to not scared at all? Part of overcoming any fear is understanding that doing so is a process that takes time, and the goal isn’t to rid yourself of it overnight but to systematically take away it’s power through repeat exposure (otherwise known as ‘exposure therapy’ in the world of psychology). Familiarizing yourself with the thing you’re most afraid of is an uncomfortable process for sure, but it’s also an extremely effective one.

Publishing this website was my own first step in the fear-conquering process, with the ‘exposure’ in my case being to put myself out there with no assurance I’d be well-received (typically a prerequisite for me to do anything). Doing so was and still is uncomfortable AF, but even with all the anxiety it produced it was also so empowering. Posting this blog will be my second step in overcoming my fear of judgment, and I can already sense a shift occurring in that I still feel my anxiety present, but it’s no longer running the show.

For the first time in a long time I feel like I’m living in a way that’s truly authentic, and I want to share 7 of the best questions, insights, and considerations that helped me finally get here with anyone trying to do the same.

1. How committed are you to what you want?

On the path to pursuing big dreams, negative assholes are inevitable. That means that when the going gets tough, your first line of defense will be your unwavering commitment to, passion for, and belief in whatever it is you’re doing. Without it, you’re far more likely to run away from criticism because you don’t have a firm grip on why you’re subjecting yourself to it in the first place.

2. When you do face harsh judgement, consider who it’s coming from.

Whenever you do come face-to-face with the type of judgement you fear most, first consider who it’s coming from. Is it someone you love and are close to that’s tearing you down? Or is it an acquaintance you hardly know who plays no significant role in your life? Unless it’s coming from someone within your trusted circle, learn to brush off unproductive feedback from sources that, in the grand scheme of things, don’t really matter.

3.     …Then consider where that harshness is coming from.

Next, consider where it’s coming from on a psychological level. According to Psychology Today, people often criticize and/or judge others because they feel threatened by them on some level. Whether it’s physical appearance, level of success, courageousness, or any other characteristic the criticizer thinks they’re lacking, feelings of inadequacy and a desperate need to level the playing field are often at the root of harsh judgement.

4.     What’s the worst that can happen?

Let’s say you go after this thing you want to do and BAM. You’re immediately met with several cruel comments and criticisms. What does that mean for you? What will happen to you? Taking myself through this same exercise, I realized  the only thing that will “happen” to me is strong emotional discomfort. Would a cruel comment hurt my feelings? Probably. Would it make me feel insecure? Probably. Would it knock me down a few rungs on the confidence ladder? Probably. But ultimately, that’s it. And with a good therapist and the right coping skills, even that can be mitigated.

5.     Negative feedback ultimately makes you stronger

As mentioned above, exposure therapy is used to treat all sorts of phobias, and you can apply it to negative feedback as well. The first time you take a hit from a negative Nancy, it’s going to hurt. But every time it happens thereafter will hurt less and less and less because you build up resilience overtime. You bounce back more quickly from feeling rejected and judged by others because the actual feelings those experiences elicit are less intense, allowing you realize it’s just a part of putting yourself out there and a tool you can use for your own growth and development.

6.     Are you prepared to live with regret if you don’t go after what you want?

Let’s say you choose to remain in the comfort of your current life rather than go after the life your dreams. How does that feel? Like the walls are closing in? Like you maybe should’ve made a different choice? This was obviously a leading question and I can’t speak for you, but if you’re going to fear anything – I’d advise fearing regret. Because, the only thing scarier than looking like an idiot, being rejected, or subjecting yourself to the harsh criticisms of others, is never going after what you want at all.

7.     Which is more important to you – your dream or your comfort?

I LOATHED this question to when it was posed to me years ago because it made me so god damn uncomfortable, but seriously - think about it. Are you all in on making this dream you have a reality and ready to go after it, come hell or high water? Or are you “all in” so long as it’s an easy road with praise, nice people, approval, validation, and endless support along the way? You won’t be able to avoid judgement from others on your rise to the top, so knowing that, you need to decide if your end goal is more or less important to you than being comfortable on the road to achieving it.

While there are surely others, those are the seven things I suggest you consider before letting your fear of what people think – people you likely don’t even give a shit about – kill your dreams. My advice? Go after what you want with reckless abandon. Don’t spend your life contorting who you are into someone unrecognizable just to appease those around you.

At the end of the day, you can either live in fear of what others will think and maintain the status quo, or you can live in fear of what others will think but go after what you want anyway - guns blazing and scared shitless. Only one of those doors has the potential to lead you to the life of your dreams, and only one has the potential to lead you to a life of forever wondering what could’ve been, had you just taken the plunge.

Harsh judgement can and will come your way at some point, but so long as you’re uncompromisingly committed to your vision and surrounded by your tribe of people who love and support you, you can handle whatever comes your way.

All my love.