Some People Just Aren’t Your People: How to Cope in the Face of Rejection

For as long as I can remember I’ve perpetually felt like an outsider, both because I really have always been a bit different from others, and because I’ve experienced a lot of rejection throughout my life. Things were particularly tough in middle school, where I experienced so much social rejection and exclusion that I planned my own suicide at 13. Thankfully the tides changed for the better just before I could do anything permanent (and I got a whole BUNCH of therapy), but my experiences during this age left an emotional mark that manifests itself as both a deep-seated need to be liked and accepted by others, and a truly agonizing sense of despair when I’m not.

For me and for anyone else like me, rejection isn’t something we innately know how to brush off. Anyone who struggles in this arena also struggles with low self-esteem and self-worth, and they interpret others not accepting them as confirmation of their deepest fear: that they are undesirable, unwanted, insignificant, inherently bad, and unworthy of being loved.  

If this sounds like some deep, dark, murky shit - that’s because it is. It’s dark and it’s sad and it’s absolutely fucking debilitating if you struggle with it, because the majority of your life is spent contorting yourself in any way necessary to receive the love and acceptance you need to feel worthy. And it is as exhausting as it is limiting, crippling, and painful.

It wasn’t until just this year that I finally began learning how to push back against these inner beliefs and stop letting myself unravel at the thought of being disliked. While I am in no way there yet by any means, the small bits of progress I have made have been more nourishing to my soul than I can explain. I’m learning that life doesn’t have to be one giant charade of pretending to be all of these things I’m not just to feel loved, and that it never should’ve become one in the first place.

If you struggle with feelings of worthlessness in the face of rejection the way I did (and often still do), I’ve written out the most impactful realizations I’ve had that set my healing into motion. I hope they are just as helpful for you as they were me, and that they help as you also begin chipping away at this incredibly shitty, deeply conditioned way of being, thinking, living, and relating.

Some people just aren’t your people, but you will be seen, heard, loved, and accepted by the ones who are.

I literally want to vomit every time I eat cottage cheese. I know it’s super healthy and that it has all of these amazing benefits so I repeatedly fight the good fight to try and force myself to like it, but I just don’t. Cottage cheese is just not for me. Does that mean cottage cheese isn’t for everyone? Or that it’s horrible to its core and unworthy of love, attention, or admiration from others for its many amazing nutritional qualities? Nope. The right people for cottage cheese love it fully, acknowledge it for everything it brings to the table, consider it when choosing their daily meals or snacks, and have an eye for it both at the grocery store and in their fridge. You do see where I’m going with this, right? You are cottage cheese and some people just aren’t going to be into you, period. But that’s okay. Because through their rejection you will find yourself redirected to others who fully appreciate, accept, and love everything about your high-protein, low-carb, cottagey goodness.

You absolutely do not want what doesn’t want you back, and will never have to force a connection worth having.

If you’re going to be in a friendship or a romantic relationship with someone, do you really want to force them to be into it? Sit back and really, logically think about this. Do you want to force someone to date you? Do you want to make someone be your friend? I don’t know how you responded, but the answer here is fuck no, you don’t. Authentic connection with others is where it. is. AT. And if you can’t find that with the particular person or people you’re around, move on. If you have to put in the slightest bit of effort to make someone treat you the way you deserve to be treated, screw that. Your time and energy are too precious to waste on trying to convince someone else of your worth as a friend or partner, and the act of doing so only further deepens your wound of not enough-ness. Do yourself a favor and learn to walk away from anything or anyone who doesn’t fully embrace who you are and how you love. It might sting a little at first, but your self-esteem, self-worth, heart, pride, and ego will ultimately fall at your feet in gratitude for it in the end.

Rejection from anything is a redirection from the powers that be to something even better and more aligned for you.

As I said above, rejection = redirection. Anything you want that doesn’t want you back is not meant for you because something else – something that is in all likelihood much better – is. Instead of trying to force connection with the wrong human(s) and wasting your time feeling crushed because they didn’t like you, dig deep and understand that this is a good thing. Their disinterest in you is a blessing in disguise. This is the universe in action actively saving you from the wrong person or people so that you’re ready and available when the right one(s) comes along. Don’t settle for anything that doesn’t come naturally and welcome rejection with open arms, because the people who are meant for you are waiting just on the other side of letting go.

Everyone is coming from their own unique place with our own unique set of experiences and perspectives.

Here’s the thing. We are all the sum total of everything we’ve experienced in our lives up to this point. Everything we’ve been through, every interaction we’ve ever had, everything we’ve ever learned, endured, seen, or done is what shapes us to be who we uniquely are. This is a good thing because our differences in life experience are what create diversity of thought, opinion, personality, perspective, and character. But these differences are also what endow us with our specific likes, dislikes, pet peeves, and social preferences - aka if you are someone who relies on everyone you interact with to validate your worthiness – you are in deep, deep shit my friend (welcome to the external validation club – we have tee shirts!). The reality that seems to evade so many of us is that the way another person decides to treat you is a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves and their lives at any given moment. No matter what they say, the thoughts, feelings, or opinions they project outward are a product of what’s going on for them internally and have nothing to do with your worthiness as a person, period. We so often interpret rejection of any kind us as an indication that we’re too flawed to love, when in actuality that kind of behavior is only indicative of the way someone’s life has shaped their thoughts, beliefs, character traits, perspectives, personality, and way of viewing the world up to that point. If a friend chooses to ignore your attempts to hang out, if a romantic interest ghosts you, if an acquaintance excludes you from a social activity – it is about them. Your worthiness is a constant inherent to you and it does fluctuate based on the opinions, approval, or actions of others.

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I say all of this as if I have it all figured out, but I don’t. I know these things in the back of my mind but you better f*cking believe I still get swept up in the tidal wave of emotion and self-loathing that come with rejection. That I still have times where I don’t walk away from toxic people or situations when I should (nor with my self-respect intact, I might add). But more and more it’s beginning to sink in that in any relationship where my participation is voluntary - whether it be a friendship, a boyfriend, or a business partner - the right people will appreciate, love, accept, and respect me as much as I do them. They will support me in ways I couldn’t elicit from friends or partners that were never for me to begin with, and nourish my soul rather than confuse or hurt it.

You will meet people who fully appreciate and embrace everything about you, and gladly fulfill your relational needs without being forced, whether romantic or platonic (note how I did not say someone who will fulfill you - as only you can do that). The sooner you take this information and really absorb it on a cellular level, the sooner you’ll begin to build back the self-confidence, self-worth, self-love, and self-esteem that have been absent for so long due to a lifetime of placing them in the hands of others.

You are so much more worthy than you realize - and I’ll be here to remind you of that until you do.

All my love.