Fantasy Bonds: What They Are, Why They Form, and How to Spot Them

I am hardwired to see people for their potential rather than for the reality of who they are. As life coach, this usually serves me well - but it’s typically to the detriment of my personal relationships. Whether I’m dating someone in a casual or serious way, I’m on autopilot to see either their positive qualities only, or the most positive manifestation of their more negative traits. Once this dream-like illusion of my partner inevitably fades, I’m left with yet another intense bout of disappointment and bewilderment. The cycle is as predicable as it is maddening, and my inability to stop it is what ultimately led me to explore where fantasy bonds come from, why TF they form, and if others experience similar lapses in judgement.  

Dating someone’s potential is what’s formally known as a ‘fantasy bond’. According to Mind Body Green, a fantasy bond is what happens when you “bond and attach to someone based on who you believe they can be or will be or what you believe they can or will be able to give you in the future.” You essentially create an idealized version of who someone is in your mind (in this context, a partner), and then attach yourself to that version regardless of how they actually behave in reality. This can then lead you to tolerate all kinds of shitty, toxic, or even dangerous behavior out of the sheer, unrelenting hope they’re embody this idealized version of themselves in the future.

So, wtf gives, right? Why are we LIKE THISSSSS.

Well, per Dr. Robert W. Firestone, Ph.D., this type of bond can usually be traced back to childhood. Shocker!!!!

Here’s the Layman’s Terms version of how this all goes down:

In order to develop into highly functioning adults, adolescents need love, protection, and a sense of security from their parent(s) or guardian. When these needs are not met or are met inconsistently, however, the partially developed brain of a child copes by dreaming up a better, shinier version of the caregiver and then emotionally attaches to it. Whenever said caregiver fails to embody this fantasized version, the child will attempt to manipulate whatever they can within themselves or their environment to catalyze the behavioral change they want. This isn’t possible as no one (particularly a kid) is capable of changing anyone who isn’t already intrinsically motivated. So when they’re inevitably unsuccessful, low self-worth and an array of other self-destructive traits dependent on their makeup specific circumstances come abound.

Fast forward to adulthood and those in the habit of dating potential are usually just mimicking these same unsettling dynamics they experienced as kids. Because younger you believed this perfect version of your parent(s) would eventually come about once they quit their job, for example, or once [fill in the blank] happened – adult you follows the same logic. When you take a liking to someone who doesn’t meet your needs or expectations, you become fixated on the hope that you’ll be able to bring forth the potential you see, just as you were fixated on the potential of your parent.

Ultimately, fantasy bonds leave us in a state of significant inner turmoil. Because their roots are typically in childhood, however, they can be hard to spot. Below are some of the more obvious red flags indicating a fantasy bond may at play that I’ve come to learn via my own personal experience. Give them a read and make sure you check out the article I mentioned above as well to ensure you’re dating who someone actually is today, rather than the fantasy of who you think they could be in the future.

You don’t feel satisfied, are continuously disappointed, and live for “one day”

Fantasizing about a better, more tolerable version of your partner indicates one or more of your significant needs aren’t being met by who they are today. This means your reality will leave you perpetually unfulfilled and clinging tightly to ‘Partner 2.0’ - who you believe they’ll become “one day”. You’ll live in constant bewilderment of the way they treat you in the now and chalk up their toxic, unacceptable behavior – no matter how consistently they exhibit it – to one-offs that aren’t actually reflective of who they “really” are.

You find it impossible to walk away because you’re so close to feeling the type of love and connection you crave.

Every instance of treatment that falls below your romantic standards will push you closer to calling it off, but you’ll never actually pull the trigger because what if they change?? What if they’re about to become who you’ve always wanted and are FINALLY on the brink of embodying the incredible version of themselves you’ve always known was there? The hope that your partner will change will likely be so powerful and so intoxicating you’ll find walking away from the relationship excruciatingly difficult if not entirely impossible to do. Thoughts like those above will rifle through your mind whenever you debate breaking up, and ultimately keep you trapped with someone who doesn’t make you happy – and likely never will.

You remain stuck in a state of toxic ambivalence.

Ambivalence is toxic AF, and if you’re involved in a fantasy bond, you’ll likely be feeling a whole lot of it. On one hand, the rational part of your brain will be screaming at you to GTFO because you know you deserve a hell of a lot more than what you’re settling for. You know there’s someone out there capable of meeting your fundamental emotional needs - of loving you the way you want and deserve to be loved. And deep down, on a level you’d rather not acknowledge, you know the person you’re with isn’t them.

On the other hand, the ‘traumatized’ part of your brain will question how bad things really are. Are you seeing this situation clearly? Are you somehow responsible for their poor treatment? Couldn’t they change for the better if you change? Or if some external factor changes? You’ll regularly be at war within the contradiction of what you know and what you feel, and without a clear indication of which direction to go, remain stuck in the toxic state of should I stay or should I go.

You’ve spent – and continue to spend – more time than you can quantify waiting for your partner to change.

This one isn’t as obvious as the others because it won’t necessarily feel like you’re waiting indefinitely when you genuinely believe your partner is or will soon change. Therefore, rather than relying on feelings to dig into this – get concrete and confirm your beliefs. Have an adult conversation about everything you’re grappling with and what your needs really are. If there’s a willingness on both ends to work through things and they’re motivated to improve, excellent. Discuss the tangible changes they’ll make and when they’ll make them – and voila. You’re no longer waiting on something to happen at some undefined point in the future and instead have both an objective timeline and a concrete (and completely justified) endpoint if they fail to follow it.

Alternatively, if your partner seems apathetic about changing, vague on the steps they’ll take to do so, and noncommittal on timeline – it might be time to find someone who meets your needs right now, or who values you enough to try. Not only because your time is limited, but because should never have to wait on anyone to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

You make excuses for unfavorable behavior

Maybe you’re the warm and fuzzy type but your partner is consistently cold and aloof. Maybe you’re gentle and they’re extremely harsh. Maybe they drink heavily and you’re sober. These are all clearly mismatches of varying degrees, but because you feel so sure that the potential you see in your partner will make itself known – you’ll excuse everything you don’t like. “They’ll stop acting this way one [excuse] happens”. “[Excuse] is making them crazy – this isn’t who they really are”. “Once they get [excuse], [excuse], and [excuse] things will be different.” You’ll wholeheartedly believe it’s an external factor causing your partner to behave in whatever way you don’t like, and that once you fix it, everything will be better.

It’s worth noting that this is where fantasy bonds can become particularly dangerous, as ‘cold and aloof’ is just one potential issue of countless others - many of which can be far more ominous in nature. Depending on the degree of your trauma and your personality, you’ll be more or less prone to excusing all kinds of alarming if not overtly hazardous conduct, including isolation and/or controlling behavior, manipulation, gaslighting, narcissism, and, in some cases, emotional or physical abuse. **if you feel your safety is being threatened by your partner in any capacity, click here.

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If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’re a part of my target audience meaning your energy, cognitive functioning, and skin elasticity are right around their peak. Knowing that, why the hell would you waste these valuable years waiting on someone to change who doesn’t want to? Dating is a process of filtration – not force. If a person doesn’t fit the mold of your romantic ideal as they are today, move on. Misalignment isn’t the universe telling you to convince someone to be your perfect match when you’ve already confirmed they aren’t – it’s your cue to move on to someone else not yet explored who might be.

All in all, fantasy bonds aren’t super easy to spot and their addictive nature can make them difficult to break. But now that you understand what they are, where they come from, and the potential signs one is operating within your own relationship, be on the lookout. Don’t date someone for who you think they could be down the road, don’t date them for you who want them to be – date them for who they are today. If there are things you don’t like but your partner is motivated to change and you’re willing to support that process? Right on. But if they aren’t willing to improve and you find yourself clinging to the fantasy of who you’ve imagined them to be in your mind, it’s time to say goodbye.

This is your life and it’s about damn time you started spending it with a real match who possesses the real qualities you’ve always wanted in a partner, right here and right now.

Save the fantasies for your sex life, mmmk?

All my love.